Police Beat - Oct. 3, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

Top ten ways to avoid looking suspicious

Here’s one that didn’t make that list: Park behind a local mini-mart with the driver’s seat empty and three passengers waiting —one holding a plastic hand gun in his lap.  Note: Do not try this at home or anywhere else, especially if there happens to be an alert police officer in the vicinity.

You got some ’splainin’ to do

There’s never any excuse for driving intoxicated.A Woodinville driver couldn’t explain it to the first driver he hit, nor the multiple drivers who were victims of the resulting chain reaction. Goodness only knows what explanation he had for his wife when he was released into her custody after his arrest.  He gets to “tell it to the judge” next.  Please don’t drink and drive — the next excuse could be your epitaph.

If at first you don’t succeed…

…try the next car and see if that one’s unlocked.  The definition of insanity is repeating the same action over and over again, expecting the result to change.  Our delirious defalcator did indeed repeat this action many times.  Maybe he wasn’t as deranged as we originally thought, as the outcome was different on his last attempt: He was arrested on criminal attempt.

Skullcandy on his mind

A white male described as being in his mid 20s and about 5 feet 8 inches had something other than payment on his mind when he visited a local action/sports- related clothing and accessories store. He was observed sliding without the aid of snowboard or skateboard through the front door with the popular subject accouterment in his ill-gotten possession.

Take necessary precautions

If you bring a purse with you to your local favorite coffee-centric venue, make sure you have at least one strap clamped in your moist fist.

If you do decide to hang it over the chair back, be sure to have a handcuff attached to the purse and your wrist, plus a lead ball and heavy chain.  Oh, and a cow with a large bell attached wouldn’t be bad either. With these prophylactic procedures in place, your chances as a distracted coffee drinker are improved against pesky purse snatchers. One unfortunate Woodinville woman learned this the hard way.

Police Beat - Sept. 26, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

You don’t spit into the wind

Traffic engineers are generally very calm and laid-back characters, ranking right up there with sewage treatment plant engineers.  If you ever get the (misguided) urge to see one of them go absolutely ballistic, try stealing one of their traffic counters.  Like a surgeon without their scalpel, a surveyor without their theodolite, a Rottweiler without its bone (preferably without the person still attached), the traffic engineer is rendered completely impotent without this tool of their trade. Combine that with totally messing up a five-day survey of traffic volumes, and you have one traffic engineer who has gone way beyond taking umbrage.  (A classic Jim Croce tune comes to mind here.)  There are currently no suspects, but a huge, Karmic traffic jam probably looms in their future.

Like a Bad Penny …

A concertgoer at a popular Woodinville beer-centric venue behaved like a boorish boomerang each time he was trespassed from the premises.  Although the “Welcome” mat had long since been pulled, our rascally reprobate repeatedly attempted re-entry.   With patience wearing as thin as a Ritz-Carlton sandwich, our people in blue rolled out the mat at a different setting: The Police Station.

That’s upsetting

Some things just don’t work well without other things:  Heart without soul; Yin without yang; boat without motor. As yin and yang correspond to evil and good, in this case, we have the good boater and the evil motor poacher. Our pancosmic pilferer tampered with the balance of the universe with the levitation of this most vital accouterment. With nary a clue left behind, we must wait for the entropy of the cosmos to balance out by some other means.

Party hearty, dude

Have you ever heard over the PA, “Well, that concludes our evening’s scheduled activities,” and thought to yourself, “Party ON!”? In spite of the generous libations offered as part of a popular local wine tour excursion, some mischievous miscreants decided that this party must go on. As departing guests were reminded to retrieve their personal belongings, a privately-owned case of vodka and wine belonging to the hosts was retrieved and invited along to a subsequent gala by our festive fugitives, address unknown.

Police Beat - Sept. 19, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

Sticky fingers, but not from candy

A woman returned to her auto at a local sports venue for a rude shock akin to the shock of a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine: her purse, including ATM card, checks and other valuables had been lifted.

This was no sophisticated lock picking or crude window smashing entry; in fact, this thief saw easy pickings vis-à-vis an unlocked door. Like a kid in a candy store, this bandit helped themself without even having to deal with the metaphorical tight-fisted screaming baby.

The victim was subsequently notified by her credit card company that the suspect had quickly gone in search of ATMs (more than likely the free kind) and other localities aiming to cash in on the ill-gotten debit and credit devices. The victim duly cancelled all credit cards and checks.

Decorations not included

Obviously not satisfied with the luxury soaps, shampoos, sewing and shoe shining kits offered as a courtesy to their well-heeled guests, a thief apparently took the name of a bronze form to heart when deciding to liberate the “Courtesies” sculpture from a high-end Woodinville restaurant/hotel lobby.  As if it weren’t sorry enough when holiday makers decide to take the unethical route to replenishing their laundry cupboard with lifted linens, this brazen bronze burglar must have had home redecoration in mind, as this easily-recognized piece would be difficult to pass off as anything other than purloined property.

The suspect and sculpture remain at large.

Turn on your heart light

A GPS unit apparently phoned home and was spirited back to the home satellite with its dashboard buddy, a cd player, tagging along. This is one of the conceivable explanations for the disappearance of the digital duo from a locked auto parked in a commercial building parking lot. There was no sign of forced entry, no trail of Reese’s Pieces left behind, nor any sightings of strange silhouettes in the full moon.

Barring any communication from the devices via a psychic connection, we can assume they have, indeed, gone home.

A preference for Heavy Metal

In an act of thievery which is becoming as common as fathers chasing their kids around with power tools, materials of the easily-resold sort went missing from the unfenced yard of a commercial welding company.

With nary a grunt, moan or subliterary lyric, nor any head banging to speak of, the crooks made a clean getaway.

Police Beat - Sept. 12, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

You can dress me up in diamonds

A well-known Woodinville transient decided to dress up his act in a local retail store and concluded that three particular necklaces provided the polished and accessorized appearance he was hoping for.  Apparently, he was also hoping for a deep discount for his bling, as he was observed pocketing the purloined ornaments and making an exit, stage right.

There was no second act for this parsimonious performer and he was asked to take his bows in the back of a squad car.

But, I didn’t inhale

A local fellow wasn’t feeling the lunch munchies quite yet as the midday hour rolled around, so he engaged in the partaking of a certain herbal substance well known for enhancing the appetite.

The aforementioned appetizer was served up in the comfort and convenience of his auto, with no need for tray table attachment or extra napkins. Alas, the person approaching the vehicle was not on roller skates nor serving up an entrée or root beer float.

As the haze started to clear, the familiar blue uniform and badge revealed that he was about to go on a different type of trip, this time to the police station.

Six-Pack without working out!

You’ve seen the ads: Get those six-pack abs without all the work!

And what is three times as good as that six-pack? That would be an 18-pack — once again without all the work! A woman described as being in her early twenties apparently took this notion to heart, as she was observed pinching an 18-pack of frosty brew from a local mini-mart and exiting without so much as a sit up or crunch — much less flexing a Carpi Radialis or Ulnaris to remove one of those heavy double-sawbucks from her wallet.

Our light-fingered lass’s exit was as smooth and relaxed as most peoples’ stomach muscles and she remains at large.

Urine the wrong place

Some of the country’s finest and most beautiful wineries call Woodinville home.  The beautiful landscaping, the classic architecture, the occasional peacock in a full display of captivating colors.

Combine that with the gorgeous weather we’ve been having, gentle breezes and the sweet smell of summer flowers.  Ah — nature.  And in one fellow’s case, the call of nature.

In spite of this winery’s lovely lavatories for those in need of a rest, our naughty nature boy decided he could not break the spell of the moment, nor make a break for the aforementioned accommodations.

The Garden of Eden may have tolerated this behavior with a wink and a pass, but this particular garden takes a very dim view of people who pee in public places.  Snap out of it, Son!

Next time, take a march to the latrines, or face another charge of indecent exposure.

Police Beat - Sept. 5, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara

What’s wrong with this picture?

The only thing more annoying than forgetting where you parked your car is remembering exactly where you parked your car and finding that space between the two neighboring cars as empty as Jacob’s kettle.

As much as this employee of a popular Woodinville dining establishment wanted to believe that there had been some kind of mistake or that he was in the middle of a revolting dream, reality hit like a speeding 18-wheeler: He was the victim of auto theft.

The auto went missing sometime between 1200 hours and 1730 hours.

Barring any postcards from the car vacationing in exotic locations, there are currently no clues as to its whereabouts.


Please don’t drink and dive

A Woodinville driver’s revelry was rudely interrupted with a dive into a ditch. Unable to come up with a plausible explanation for her peculiar choice of a parking spot, Woodinville police decided to administer a breathalyzer test.

Evidence of that evening’s prior partaking of adult beverages was revealed in consecutive readings of .23 and .24 BAC.

The suspect was cited and released, with her car being towed to a safe haven.


Shop here, not there

A shopping trip to a local grocery turned ugly when the victim returned to his/her vehicle to find that another bargain hunter had done some merchandise selection of the non-reimbursable kind from their car.

Although the vehicle had been securely locked before the grocery excursion, the passenger door was now inexplicably unlocked.

A quick inspection of pockets and pouches revealed that the victim’s keys were, indeed, MIA.

With no spare key onboard, the vehicle was once again locked up until the victim could return with the spare in hand.

Upon return, evidence was abundant that the scoundrel had returned for more five finger discounts, once again leaving the vehicle unlocked. The keys remain at large.